This is best answered by my attorney William J. Larzelere,III, who writes an entry in the last chapter of F.I.F.I.  I find his advice on this matter fascinating and points, to which, I frankly disregarded as a young 28 year old.  Taken from F.I.F.I., Chapter twelve, he frames the following questions with this opening statement:

“These are questions that some people have problems discussing,(taken out of context, this followed hardcore financial questions) or they do not know yet how they will earn their living, much less what their goals are going to be.  This is where an analysis of your potential spouse’s character is critical and necessary from a financial view point.  Ask yourself these questions:

Does he/she take a lot of chances?

Does he/she make decisions on the spur of the moment?

How important is money to your potential spouse?

Does he/she envy people who are rich or who seem to “have it all”?

Is your potential spouse materialistic?

Does your potential spouse ignore even “little” legal requirements, (i.e. actual signatures)?”

In my personal experience, the short answer would be “yes” to all of the above!

 

Let me offer some examples.  See if anything raises a red flag for your situation:

Does he/she take a lot of chances?  My ex had significant debt from gambling.  I did not know this until we were married.  He wore casino t-shirts.  He favored gambling as a source of revenue.  He was all about it.  Technically , he did not gamble at casinos or with gaming in general after we were married but the rush and the high he got from taking risks was all there for him in the stock market.  It was just another game of cards.

Does he/she make decisions on the spur of the moment?  My ex liked to brag that he practiced law ‘by the seat of his pants’.  He was in and out of business ventures that came up overnight.

How important is money to your potential spouse?  It was everything.  He bragged, “one day I’ll be famous”.   Becoming a sports agent was his golden ticket to be around the rich and famous.  He idolized the one NFL player he represented.  Owning an art gallery in the Vieux Carre  was another feather in his cap.  I was  promised many houses for us to own shortly before I filed for divorce.

Does he/she envy people who are rich or who seem to “have it all”?  I recall a particular gentleman he expressed disdain for simply because he was successful in politics.  This man was a few years younger but grew up in our neighborhood and by all accounts, a peer.  It was a unique self-revelation.  By and large, at least in front of me, he tried to keep his jealousy under his hat.

Is your potential spouse materialistic?  Although we had nothing but debt in the first few years of marriage, he had to have the nice car and big law office to maintain the persona of success.

Does your spouse ignore even “little” legal requirements,(i.e. actual signatures)?  Everything he did seemed half assed and unorganized but he knew what he could get by with.  Was it sheer genius or a character flaw?  Early in our marriage I expressed my concern to a friend of his, who was also an attorney.  His friend said to me, “Look, I’ve known Dug a long time.  No matter how much shit he gets into he comes out smelling like a rose.”  Frequently, he commented he was the “Columbo of the legal profession” because of his haphazardness.

 

The second most common question I hear is: How do I find out if financial infidelity is happening to me? Answer: Dig.

Become an unapologetic spy.  His phone is your phone.  His laptop is your laptop.  The way I discovered financial infidelity is through a high school friend whom my then husband hired to work in his law office.  She worked there approximately 10 months.  My friend saw my forged signature everywhere.  She is smart and knows when something stinks. Because of her integrity, she could not be bought by him.  Without her information, I may not have discovered the financial infidelity.  I was lucky to have such a good friend.  I sometimes wonder, what would have become of me if we lived away from our hometown?  My  childhood friends grew up with me, went to school with me and knew what kind of person I was.

I recall attending a funeral, with my then husband, one year before filing for divorce.  A long time friend, who lived  on the same street as I did growing up, lost her husband after an extended illness.  My friend’s mother was there and was thrilled to see me.  I remember her looking directly at my husband and saying, “I’ve known Jodi her whole life.  She is a beautiful person inside and out.  Don’t forget that.”  It was totally out of nowhere but maybe she had a premonition.  I believe instincts are important.  Let people in on what is happening in your life.

Seek out professionals.  Because of chest pain I experienced while on the treadmill with my personal trainer, I went to a Cardiologist for an evaluation.  I write about this in FIFI.  It was this doctor who told me (paraphrase) I did not have to continue living with the insanity of my marriage.  I was in control.  It was a pivital moment.  I knew then I had to take action.

Sometimes working in the office can still uncover nothing.  In the book House of Zeus, Dickey Scruggs wife worked in his law office their entire married life.  She met with their CPA once a year.  Maybe it was the only thing that kept her husband from forging her signature on documents.  Still, Scruggs was cunning enough to hide the books on his class action suit winnings, with the tobacco industry, from his wife. 

I hope with this book, FIFI, people can obtain a foothold on their circumstances, no matter where they live, and know they are not alone, they are not imagining things and there is real help out there.

 

Welcome to the FIFI blog!

The most common question I am asked about my book is: What is financial infidelity? My personal experience with financial infidelity involved, my then attorney/husband, forging my signature on legal, financial and insurance documents.
Let me say what it is not…it is not hiding Amazon boxes under your bed. Yes, we’ve all done it. We all work hard and feel entitled to have what we want. Eventually, you will show your spouse the new awesome whatchamacallit but timing is everything. The sense of entitlement becomes corrupt, for example, when someone feels entitled to sign your name without your consent. The action therefore becomes a crime, i.e. fraud. Being married does not make your spouse entitled to use your credibility, which is your name, without your knowledge. Your spouse does not own you. Once you have discovered financial infidelity, it is time to get the hell out. If you allow people to commit crimes in your name without question, you are as guilty as they are.