Yes, in time.  Give yourself plenty of time.  My therapy was writing.  Needless to say, since my ex had subpoenaed the notes from my therapy sessions, with our marriage counselor, I did not have the luxury of future sessions, fearing he would and could do so at anytime.

It is true, time heals.  I recently had a conversation with a friend who, not only survived financial infidelity but also sexual infidelity and two attempts on her life by her ex husband.  It is hard for others to understand how evil people are unless they have been through this nightmare.  Her ten guardian angels were with her at all times.  She made a six figure salary but had to eat tuna casserole for three weeks in order to pay her legal fees.  How did she make it?  People helped her.  Her neighbors bought groceries and she got back on her feet.  I believe when you have a good heart the universe will bring you what you need.  She is in a wonderful relationship now for seven years.  Marriage is still on hold for the time being.

Three years out, I am happily in a relationship with a man, for two years, who is very good to me.  We are not married.  I really do not know if marriage is something I want in my life.  I have close friends and relate to them any doubts I may have.  I keep them in the loop to make sure I am doing the right thing.

I cannot place enough emphasis on the fact you are in a marathon, not a sprint.  You must take care of your physical wellbeing. For me, it entailed having a full panel of blood work because I had health deficiencies.  I was in early menopause.  I had no idea this was common on my mother’s side of the family.  It started at 44 years of age.  A bone scan revealed osteopenia.  I also had hypothyroidism.  I began replacing my hormones naturally with compounded prescriptions.  I had read about them from Suzanne Somers’ journey through menopause and other related material.  I had tried to educate myself on the subject of menopause in my 30’s to prepare.  Still, I had no idea what I was going through.  I heard a doctor tell me, when she had symptoms of menopause, she had no idea what was going on with her body.  She thought she had breast cancer.

Begin to exercise.  Try to do so with a trainer or in a group so you proceed with caution.  I had not exercised in several years beyond walking and swimming.  I needed to lose a good thirty pounds.  I had no idea how to use a tread mill.  I started with a personal trainer but once I knew what to do, I was able to exercise on my own.

Overall, these things will help elevate your mood.  I have never been on anti-depressants but have used St. John’s Wort for years successfully.  It is widely used in Great Britain and my serotonin  levels have always been normal.  I also take a B-complex 100.  It is excellent for energy and mood. However, if you are anxious or having panic attacks you may want to avoid it.  While I was in the house with my spouse, I was extremely stressed.  I took Valerian caps and the tea.

Take a good vitamin regime. This will give you energy.  I love coffee but had to avoid it for a few years because of the anxiety and chest pain it exacerbated.

Stay strong.  You can do this.

 

To destroy a family because of greed is beyond my comprehension.  Who do these people think they are?  I can say this, never mind their net worth, they are morally bankrupt.  Believe it or not, some couples do not divorce.  Herein lies the problem for the future.  If the charges against a spouse are criminal and he/she is incarcerated, what becomes of the family?  In one case I know of, the husband was jailed and the mother died of cancer a few years later.  Who picked up the tab?  That’s right, the adult children.  My friend and her siblings are still paying off their father’s debt to the Federal Government for tax evasion well into their 50’s with no end in sight.  Because I divorced my children’s father, they are delivered from that future burden and so am I.

There are some people who may not have had the opportunity to  recognize integrity and accountability.   Maybe these seem like esoteric conditions you cannot wrap your senses around.  Let me be clear, you absolutely can recognize these attributes in a concrete fashion.  It is called transparency.  Businesses and individuals have to welcome and demonstrate transparency in order to acquire and maintain integrity and accountability.  If activities are concealed, not exposed to public scrutiny or an individual thinks they are above being criticized… beware.

Chances are high that indeed your extended family has seen a devious side but are hesitant to speak about it to you.  You may seem happy to them or there may be dependents,such as children.  No one wants to rock the boat.  However if asked, they may tell you and if they see you are in trouble, they will be all the more inclined.  In my experience, this is exactly what happened.  It seemed like a dam broke when I talked about my circumstances.  Let people in.  You will be surprised how much they have to tell you.

By all means NO!  If your partner has a secretary, associates and general staff, no doubt they are sucked in too.  They may have been asked to sign your name, witness your signature or even notarize it.  My ex had a high turnover rate at his law office.  I’m sure some people were asked or even witnessed activity they were not okay with and therefore, left.  Thank God I had a friend who gave me the skinny!  When she did leave, she made it clear she did not want her name on a single piece of paper in that office.

Many people fear for their jobs and are willing to lie, cheat and steal to keep it.  That includes defending the boss.  They are bought.

“Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive.” ~ Sir Walter Scott

I would like to address the legal ramifications first.  William J. Larzelere,III recommends the following and can be found in F.I.F.I, Chapter 12.

1. DO NOT sign of give permission for your name to be signed on any documents that you do not thoroughly review.  If you are not sure what you are signing, have it reviewed by an attorney.

2. Gather any and all documentation discussed above and any other documents you can get your hands on.  Make copies of you can not keep the originals.  Keep all materials in a safe place that only you or someone you trust can access (i.e. safety deposit box).

3.  Get to a lawyer to discuss your options, including a matrimonial agreement to terminate the community regime and separate your property while remaining married, or even divorce.

4. Stay calm and do not discuss your actions with your spouse until you have been advised by an attorney.

 

This is best answered by my attorney William J. Larzelere,III, who writes an entry in the last chapter of F.I.F.I.  I find his advice on this matter fascinating and points, to which, I frankly disregarded as a young 28 year old.  Taken from F.I.F.I., Chapter twelve, he frames the following questions with this opening statement:

“These are questions that some people have problems discussing,(taken out of context, this followed hardcore financial questions) or they do not know yet how they will earn their living, much less what their goals are going to be.  This is where an analysis of your potential spouse’s character is critical and necessary from a financial view point.  Ask yourself these questions:

Does he/she take a lot of chances?

Does he/she make decisions on the spur of the moment?

How important is money to your potential spouse?

Does he/she envy people who are rich or who seem to “have it all”?

Is your potential spouse materialistic?

Does your potential spouse ignore even “little” legal requirements, (i.e. actual signatures)?”

In my personal experience, the short answer would be “yes” to all of the above!

 

Let me offer some examples.  See if anything raises a red flag for your situation:

Does he/she take a lot of chances?  My ex had significant debt from gambling.  I did not know this until we were married.  He wore casino t-shirts.  He favored gambling as a source of revenue.  He was all about it.  Technically , he did not gamble at casinos or with gaming in general after we were married but the rush and the high he got from taking risks was all there for him in the stock market.  It was just another game of cards.

Does he/she make decisions on the spur of the moment?  My ex liked to brag that he practiced law ‘by the seat of his pants’.  He was in and out of business ventures that came up overnight.

How important is money to your potential spouse?  It was everything.  He bragged, “one day I’ll be famous”.   Becoming a sports agent was his golden ticket to be around the rich and famous.  He idolized the one NFL player he represented.  Owning an art gallery in the Vieux Carre  was another feather in his cap.  I was  promised many houses for us to own shortly before I filed for divorce.

Does he/she envy people who are rich or who seem to “have it all”?  I recall a particular gentleman he expressed disdain for simply because he was successful in politics.  This man was a few years younger but grew up in our neighborhood and by all accounts, a peer.  It was a unique self-revelation.  By and large, at least in front of me, he tried to keep his jealousy under his hat.

Is your potential spouse materialistic?  Although we had nothing but debt in the first few years of marriage, he had to have the nice car and big law office to maintain the persona of success.

Does your spouse ignore even “little” legal requirements,(i.e. actual signatures)?  Everything he did seemed half assed and unorganized but he knew what he could get by with.  Was it sheer genius or a character flaw?  Early in our marriage I expressed my concern to a friend of his, who was also an attorney.  His friend said to me, “Look, I’ve known Dug a long time.  No matter how much shit he gets into he comes out smelling like a rose.”  Frequently, he commented he was the “Columbo of the legal profession” because of his haphazardness.

 

The second most common question I hear is: How do I find out if financial infidelity is happening to me? Answer: Dig.

Become an unapologetic spy.  His phone is your phone.  His laptop is your laptop.  The way I discovered financial infidelity is through a high school friend whom my then husband hired to work in his law office.  She worked there approximately 10 months.  My friend saw my forged signature everywhere.  She is smart and knows when something stinks. Because of her integrity, she could not be bought by him.  Without her information, I may not have discovered the financial infidelity.  I was lucky to have such a good friend.  I sometimes wonder, what would have become of me if we lived away from our hometown?  My  childhood friends grew up with me, went to school with me and knew what kind of person I was.

I recall attending a funeral, with my then husband, one year before filing for divorce.  A long time friend, who lived  on the same street as I did growing up, lost her husband after an extended illness.  My friend’s mother was there and was thrilled to see me.  I remember her looking directly at my husband and saying, “I’ve known Jodi her whole life.  She is a beautiful person inside and out.  Don’t forget that.”  It was totally out of nowhere but maybe she had a premonition.  I believe instincts are important.  Let people in on what is happening in your life.

Seek out professionals.  Because of chest pain I experienced while on the treadmill with my personal trainer, I went to a Cardiologist for an evaluation.  I write about this in FIFI.  It was this doctor who told me (paraphrase) I did not have to continue living with the insanity of my marriage.  I was in control.  It was a pivital moment.  I knew then I had to take action.

Sometimes working in the office can still uncover nothing.  In the book House of Zeus, Dickey Scruggs wife worked in his law office their entire married life.  She met with their CPA once a year.  Maybe it was the only thing that kept her husband from forging her signature on documents.  Still, Scruggs was cunning enough to hide the books on his class action suit winnings, with the tobacco industry, from his wife. 

I hope with this book, FIFI, people can obtain a foothold on their circumstances, no matter where they live, and know they are not alone, they are not imagining things and there is real help out there.

 

Welcome to the FIFI blog!

The most common question I am asked about my book is: What is financial infidelity? My personal experience with financial infidelity involved, my then attorney/husband, forging my signature on legal, financial and insurance documents.
Let me say what it is not…it is not hiding Amazon boxes under your bed. Yes, we’ve all done it. We all work hard and feel entitled to have what we want. Eventually, you will show your spouse the new awesome whatchamacallit but timing is everything. The sense of entitlement becomes corrupt, for example, when someone feels entitled to sign your name without your consent. The action therefore becomes a crime, i.e. fraud. Being married does not make your spouse entitled to use your credibility, which is your name, without your knowledge. Your spouse does not own you. Once you have discovered financial infidelity, it is time to get the hell out. If you allow people to commit crimes in your name without question, you are as guilty as they are.