The short answer is: No.

I was very naive about how having the same therapist as my then husband, would play out in a court of law.  You may need your therapist to speak on your behalf, before the judge, as a character witness.  If he /she also had sessions with your spouse then he/she will NOT be allowed to speak on your behalf in court.  Because my then husband was an attorney experienced in domestic cases, he knew this and therefore aggressively maneuvered his way in seeing the same therapist as I.  Do not make the same mistake!  Even if this is a typical marriage crisis and you expect reconciliation, be careful and CYA!

Although the snake of an ex-husband I had subpoenaed my therapy notes, I did not retaliate in kind.  Reason being, I believe what he did was unethical, though allowable by law.

 

1.Please, please, please stay alert.  This is not the time to have a second glass of wine or, for that matter, drain the wine box.  I was lucky in that I was already sober and my lifestyle is such that I do not drink because alcoholism runs in my family.  Alcohol increases panic attacks and is a depressant.

2.Avoid mood altering and recreational drugs.  I know some people need an anti-anxiety prescription.  Please proceed with caution.

3.Your feelings and emotions are there for a good reason.  Feelings may not always be facts but they serve an important purpose.  So much so, that when we medicate them, we enter the slippery slope of denial and potential substance abuse.  It is better to seek therapy and acknowledge your feelings.  No one ever died from feeling their feelings.  Feelings cannot kill you.  It is a normal human experience.

4. Drugs and alcohol alter behavior.  No matter what is happening or how you feel, stay calm and take the high road.  Your credibility is important.  Meditation, exercise, music, being outdoors…all these help create positive feelings.

5.Breathe slowly from your abdomen if you start to feel anxious.  It is a natural relaxation technique.  You’re welcome! 🙂

 

 

I recommend finding someone in your bank you can trust and work with them on gathering your credit information on Experian, Transunion and Equifax.  Alert them as to what has happened to you so they will be extra vigilant on your behalf.  I was fortunate to find a bank officer who was smart, helpful and sympathetic to my cause.

In addition, my attorney recommended Lifelock.  The reports will come to you faster and easier than contacting each credit report agency individually by snail mail.  Changing my name back to my family name(maiden name), before I married, was a huge help in this regard.  It made it harder for my ex to forge.  Once I did this, things became more normal in my life.

You can call credit card companies where your name is still listed as a responsible party and close the accounts.  Explain you are divorced.  One company tried to argue that my ex could still re-open the account.  Keep stating you are divorced.  Once that sunk in, they realized that reopening the account by my ex was not possible according to their standard of practice.  Stay relatively calm but firm.  It’s okay to be passionate.  It’s your ass!  You have to  be your own best advocate.

All of the above will not happen overnight.  These things take time.   Be tenacious.  No one can stop your hustle! Go Get It!

Yes, in time.  Give yourself plenty of time.  My therapy was writing.  Needless to say, since my ex had subpoenaed the notes from my therapy sessions, with our marriage counselor, I did not have the luxury of future sessions, fearing he would and could do so at anytime.

It is true, time heals.  I recently had a conversation with a friend who, not only survived financial infidelity but also sexual infidelity and two attempts on her life by her ex husband.  It is hard for others to understand how evil people are unless they have been through this nightmare.  Her ten guardian angels were with her at all times.  She made a six figure salary but had to eat tuna casserole for three weeks in order to pay her legal fees.  How did she make it?  People helped her.  Her neighbors bought groceries and she got back on her feet.  I believe when you have a good heart the universe will bring you what you need.  She is in a wonderful relationship now for seven years.  Marriage is still on hold for the time being.

Three years out, I am happily in a relationship with a man, for two years, who is very good to me.  We are not married.  I really do not know if marriage is something I want in my life.  I have close friends and relate to them any doubts I may have.  I keep them in the loop to make sure I am doing the right thing.

I cannot place enough emphasis on the fact you are in a marathon, not a sprint.  You must take care of your physical wellbeing. For me, it entailed having a full panel of blood work because I had health deficiencies.  I was in early menopause.  I had no idea this was common on my mother’s side of the family.  It started at 44 years of age.  A bone scan revealed osteopenia.  I also had hypothyroidism.  I began replacing my hormones naturally with compounded prescriptions.  I had read about them from Suzanne Somers’ journey through menopause and other related material.  I had tried to educate myself on the subject of menopause in my 30’s to prepare.  Still, I had no idea what I was going through.  I heard a doctor tell me, when she had symptoms of menopause, she had no idea what was going on with her body.  She thought she had breast cancer.

Begin to exercise.  Try to do so with a trainer or in a group so you proceed with caution.  I had not exercised in several years beyond walking and swimming.  I needed to lose a good thirty pounds.  I had no idea how to use a tread mill.  I started with a personal trainer but once I knew what to do, I was able to exercise on my own.

Overall, these things will help elevate your mood.  I have never been on anti-depressants but have used St. John’s Wort for years successfully.  It is widely used in Great Britain and my serotonin  levels have always been normal.  I also take a B-complex 100.  It is excellent for energy and mood. However, if you are anxious or having panic attacks you may want to avoid it.  While I was in the house with my spouse, I was extremely stressed.  I took Valerian caps and the tea.

Take a good vitamin regime. This will give you energy.  I love coffee but had to avoid it for a few years because of the anxiety and chest pain it exacerbated.

Stay strong.  You can do this.

 

To destroy a family because of greed is beyond my comprehension.  Who do these people think they are?  I can say this, never mind their net worth, they are morally bankrupt.  Believe it or not, some couples do not divorce.  Herein lies the problem for the future.  If the charges against a spouse are criminal and he/she is incarcerated, what becomes of the family?  In one case I know of, the husband was jailed and the mother died of cancer a few years later.  Who picked up the tab?  That’s right, the adult children.  My friend and her siblings are still paying off their father’s debt to the Federal Government for tax evasion well into their 50’s with no end in sight.  Because I divorced my children’s father, they are delivered from that future burden and so am I.

There are some people who may not have had the opportunity to  recognize integrity and accountability.   Maybe these seem like esoteric conditions you cannot wrap your senses around.  Let me be clear, you absolutely can recognize these attributes in a concrete fashion.  It is called transparency.  Businesses and individuals have to welcome and demonstrate transparency in order to acquire and maintain integrity and accountability.  If activities are concealed, not exposed to public scrutiny or an individual thinks they are above being criticized… beware.

Chances are high that indeed your extended family has seen a devious side but are hesitant to speak about it to you.  You may seem happy to them or there may be dependents,such as children.  No one wants to rock the boat.  However if asked, they may tell you and if they see you are in trouble, they will be all the more inclined.  In my experience, this is exactly what happened.  It seemed like a dam broke when I talked about my circumstances.  Let people in.  You will be surprised how much they have to tell you.

By all means NO!  If your partner has a secretary, associates and general staff, no doubt they are sucked in too.  They may have been asked to sign your name, witness your signature or even notarize it.  My ex had a high turnover rate at his law office.  I’m sure some people were asked or even witnessed activity they were not okay with and therefore, left.  Thank God I had a friend who gave me the skinny!  When she did leave, she made it clear she did not want her name on a single piece of paper in that office.

Many people fear for their jobs and are willing to lie, cheat and steal to keep it.  That includes defending the boss.  They are bought.

“Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive.” ~ Sir Walter Scott

I would like to address the legal ramifications first.  William J. Larzelere,III recommends the following and can be found in F.I.F.I, Chapter 12.

1. DO NOT sign of give permission for your name to be signed on any documents that you do not thoroughly review.  If you are not sure what you are signing, have it reviewed by an attorney.

2. Gather any and all documentation discussed above and any other documents you can get your hands on.  Make copies of you can not keep the originals.  Keep all materials in a safe place that only you or someone you trust can access (i.e. safety deposit box).

3.  Get to a lawyer to discuss your options, including a matrimonial agreement to terminate the community regime and separate your property while remaining married, or even divorce.

4. Stay calm and do not discuss your actions with your spouse until you have been advised by an attorney.