No, but I was fortunate.  I’m quite sure my ex (who is an attorney) was hoping I could not find someone to represent me.  Attorneys, as a general rule, do not like to go against another attorney.

The first lawyer I met with was a female and bowed out after speaking with my then husband over the phone.  He went on for a 20 minute tirade, in which she took copious notes.  When she hung up, she looked at me and said, “He is going to make this a nasty divorce that will cost you tens of thousands of dollars.”   She did however give me a good referral.  My new attorney stayed by my side even when I could not pay him.

Short answer is:  Maybe.

I saw a priest who went public on Facebook about his experience with a fellow priest who targeted him and tried to destroy his priesthood.  I told him my story.  He suggested I read the book, “The Sociopath Next Door.”  It is written by psychologist Martha Stout, PhD, who wanted to help others avoid the devastation of being the target of a sociopath.  She cited a study where 1:25 Americans are considered a sociopath.  They are not necessarily murderers but the path of destruction they leave in their wake is no less grim.

You can google the characteristics of a sociopath and decide if  your partner/ex/spouse has these attributes.

 

I would call it faith.  What does that mean??  For me, it means I had walked through many difficult circumstances in my life and I came out okay.  I talk about these situations in my book FIFI.  I have a higher power who is with me.  I believe that there is always a better road, light at the end of the tunnel, and a net to catch me.  Knowing this gives me courage.

I know the future is uncertain but what I have come to realize is that nothing is certain.  All we have to do is take it one day at a time.

The corrupt judge I had, had a record of the following activities:

1. She takes sides in a case based on her relationships with the attorneys.

2. Off the record “conferences” without the parties present.

3. Coercive deals

4. Jailing parents

5. Won’t hear from children

6. Severs children from good parents.

7. Doesn’t allow evidence or evidentiary hearings.

8. Seals records so that parties can’t access them

9. Has ex parte communications with attorneys and issues orders without giving the other party a chance to respond.

Will Ferrell King of Bacchus 2012

I text them, post public on FB and Twitter.  There is so much social media that even when my son and daughter were suddenly off FB(I believe forced off by their father and my attorney concurs), I could still reach out.

Keep up with their school events.  Plan to be there for awards.  Meet their teachers.  If you have 50-50 custody, the school has to keep you updated on their grades and activities.  It is the law.

I have started writing each one of my children a letter each week.  I put their name on the envelope, my address and have it mailed from the post office or place of business.  It comes to my mailbox, postmarked.  I plan to save the letters and wrap them in a ribbon.  One day I will present the collection of letters.

In the letter I write what is in my heart for each child individually.  I write what I am doing that week.  This helps me enormously.  I feel connected and a sense of relief, along with hope that one day they will know I was always thinking of them.

When the letters arrive in my mailbox I feel like I have made a great leap in the healing process of me and my children.  It is a concrete, pro-active task. 🙂

 

 

I cannot emphasize this enough, you are not alone!  The combination of financial infidelity, divorce from an attorney and a corrupt judge left me in the same situation.

Three years after the court decision to give my ex domicile custody and the house, St. Tammany is in an election year for family court judge.  I am heavily campaigning for her opponent.  The timing is interesting because the election  falls on the same year and season of my book release.  There are NO coincidences.  I do have 50-50 custody but because my ex refuses to do the right thing, my children have not been allowed to visit me for two years.

Sure, I could go to court and fight for visitation but I am also a child of divorced parents.  I know all too well what my children are feeling and experiencing.  If they were very young children I might have appealed.  But because they are nearly of age, time is on my side.  Their father’s second marriage to an attorney and a mediator( if you can believe that), living in her house and under her roof, puts my children at a disadvantage.  Lets face it, they need to survive.  I do not want to upset the status quo and create stress for my kids.  They need to do well in school.  I do not want them in the middle of a battle while they are just trying to grow into adults and be successful.

I am sure they miss me.  I know I miss them.  I did have twenty years caring for my children so, I know they have a large part of my love and time .   It is a painful decision to step back and not fight to see them. However, I choose NOT to turn my kids into a taffy pull.

I do pray a lot.  There is a CD in my car set for four Rosaries and a litany of other traditional prayers.  It’s my meditation.  I was raised Catholic and this is my thing.

When you have a good heart and are doing the right thing, the universe will bring you what you need.

I believe God does not sleep.  Based on that premise, it is fair to say I have taken this to a HIGHER COURT!  Because I have faith, I know there are higher powers fighting on my behalf.  There is too much evidence supporting that belief to deny it.  I have had miraculous connections made for my benefit and so will you!

“The world is so much more than we know.” ~ Ben Hur, movie

When I participate in pro-active causes, such as this campaign, I become part of the solution.  Once I knew my candidate was out there running to unseat this corrupt judge, I realized I was not the only one going through the injustice and bias of family court.  For the last three years I thought I was all alone in the wilderness! Nothing could have been further from the truth and all my instincts were correct.

Live your new life with all that you have.  Do not feel guilty one minute for doing so. You must move forward.  Work, travel, make friends and go to social events. Volunteer for a worthwhile cause.  Stay relevant.  THE WORLD NEEDS YOU!

 

The short answer is: No.

I was very naive about how having the same therapist as my then husband, would play out in a court of law.  You may need your therapist to speak on your behalf, before the judge, as a character witness.  If he /she also had sessions with your spouse then he/she will NOT be allowed to speak on your behalf in court.  Because my then husband was an attorney experienced in domestic cases, he knew this and therefore aggressively maneuvered his way in seeing the same therapist as I.  Do not make the same mistake!  Even if this is a typical marriage crisis and you expect reconciliation, be careful and CYA!

Although the snake of an ex-husband I had subpoenaed my therapy notes, I did not retaliate in kind.  Reason being, I believe what he did was unethical, though allowable by law.

 

1.Please, please, please stay alert.  This is not the time to have a second glass of wine or, for that matter, drain the wine box.  I was lucky in that I was already sober and my lifestyle is such that I do not drink because alcoholism runs in my family.  Alcohol increases panic attacks and is a depressant.

2.Avoid mood altering and recreational drugs.  I know some people need an anti-anxiety prescription.  Please proceed with caution.

3.Your feelings and emotions are there for a good reason.  Feelings may not always be facts but they serve an important purpose.  So much so, that when we medicate them, we enter the slippery slope of denial and potential substance abuse.  It is better to seek therapy and acknowledge your feelings.  No one ever died from feeling their feelings.  Feelings cannot kill you.  It is a normal human experience.

4. Drugs and alcohol alter behavior.  No matter what is happening or how you feel, stay calm and take the high road.  Your credibility is important.  Meditation, exercise, music, being outdoors…all these help create positive feelings.

5.Breathe slowly from your abdomen if you start to feel anxious.  It is a natural relaxation technique.  You’re welcome! 🙂

 

 

I recommend finding someone in your bank you can trust and work with them on gathering your credit information on Experian, Transunion and Equifax.  Alert them as to what has happened to you so they will be extra vigilant on your behalf.  I was fortunate to find a bank officer who was smart, helpful and sympathetic to my cause.

In addition, my attorney recommended Lifelock.  The reports will come to you faster and easier than contacting each credit report agency individually by snail mail.  Changing my name back to my family name(maiden name), before I married, was a huge help in this regard.  It made it harder for my ex to forge.  Once I did this, things became more normal in my life.

You can call credit card companies where your name is still listed as a responsible party and close the accounts.  Explain you are divorced.  One company tried to argue that my ex could still re-open the account.  Keep stating you are divorced.  Once that sunk in, they realized that reopening the account by my ex was not possible according to their standard of practice.  Stay relatively calm but firm.  It’s okay to be passionate.  It’s your ass!  You have to  be your own best advocate.

All of the above will not happen overnight.  These things take time.   Be tenacious.  No one can stop your hustle! Go Get It!

Yes, in time.  Give yourself plenty of time.  My therapy was writing.  Needless to say, since my ex had subpoenaed the notes from my therapy sessions, with our marriage counselor, I did not have the luxury of future sessions, fearing he would and could do so at anytime.

It is true, time heals.  I recently had a conversation with a friend who, not only survived financial infidelity but also sexual infidelity and two attempts on her life by her ex husband.  It is hard for others to understand how evil people are unless they have been through this nightmare.  Her ten guardian angels were with her at all times.  She made a six figure salary but had to eat tuna casserole for three weeks in order to pay her legal fees.  How did she make it?  People helped her.  Her neighbors bought groceries and she got back on her feet.  I believe when you have a good heart the universe will bring you what you need.  She is in a wonderful relationship now for seven years.  Marriage is still on hold for the time being.

Three years out, I am happily in a relationship with a man, for two years, who is very good to me.  We are not married.  I really do not know if marriage is something I want in my life.  I have close friends and relate to them any doubts I may have.  I keep them in the loop to make sure I am doing the right thing.